A Big Day

January 12, 2016

Today is a big day. It's not only my birthday, but it's a milestone one. As of now I can run for president of the United States! There are, after all, just three requirements in the U.S. Constitution and today I finally can mark off the third item:

  • Natural-born citizen
  • Resident of U.S. at least 14 years
  • At least 35 years old
This is my biggest civic birthday since I turned 18. So I'm going to party like it's 1999!

I figure I might as well run for president now. After all, it seems everyone else is and I doubt I could poll any worse than Jim Gilmore (don't worry about googling him; he won't be president). And unlike Ted Cruz, I was born in the U.S. and therefore am actually eligible to be president. It's pretty ironic - and hypocritical - that the "birther" movement made false claims about President Barack Obama's birthplace and is now cheerleading a candidate who is actually foreign-born. Oh, to live in interesting times!

Running for president would probably be a good idea since it would help me sell books. It seems every hopeful pumps out a book and sells quite a few. There's also a history of candidates with no chance of winning who ran just to sell books - I'm looking at you, Ben Carson, Newt Gingrich, and Mike Huckabee (2016 version). Carson even took a break from the campaign in October to go on a book tour.

So, I hereby announce that I'm running for president to sell books. How's that for an honest politician? I've already taken some trips to the early voting state of Iowa so that makes me pretty serious. In October I performed the wedding of my sister-in-law and in November I visited my grandma for Thanksgiving. See, I'm a faith-based, pro-marriage, family-values guy! That'd make a pretty compelling ad ... if only I had a rich megadonor (click here to donate today!).

Let's get this running-for-president-to-sell-books thing off to a good start. Pick up one of my books today. Consider it a perfect way to celebrate my birthday!