Buying Campaign Books

September 07, 2016

In January, I announced I was running for president to sell books. I hit the campaign trail, making a pitch for voters in Iowa and later offering a substantive campaign address to cover important issues. Fortunately, some people took me seriously and bought some of my books

Last month, I even tried a common strategy of candidates by releasing a new book during the campaign. The book (Vote Your Conscience: Party Must Not Trump Principles) outlines much of my political ideology. I promise it's more interesting and less self-centered than your average politician's campaign book! Pick up a copy, write a review on Amazon, and share it on social media. I've even launched my own campaign hat since that's what credible candidate do these days!

I've been honest since the beginning (which is probably why I'm polling so poorly) that I'm only running for president so I can sell more books. I saw other candidates (like Ben Carson and Newt Gingrich) launch presidential campaigns just to sell books, so I figured I should try it.

But now I'm learning of a new strategy from the master of self-promotion. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump spent $55,055 in campaign donations to buy thousands of copies of one of his books to give away. Apparently a problem could arise if he accepts royalties from those sales since the Federal Election Commission (FEC) doesn't allow such a scheme (as it would be a way of laundering money from the campaign into one's own pockets).

I must admit I found the strategy of my fellow presidential candidate a bit inspiring. I don't have to worry about those pesky FEC regulations because I don't have any campaign coffers to spend! So I've got two ideas:

1. Since I can't buy lots of copies of my book to give away, I'm instead encouraging everyone else to do it. Got a irritating relative who's so gung-ho for one of the candidates you can't stand to talk about the election? Give them a copy of my book! Got a pastor who drops hints about supporting one of the candidates? Give them a copy of my book! Got a friend who never watches the news, knows absolutely nothing about important issues, believes anything they read in a chain email, and who will still get to cast a vote that means as much as yours? Give them a copy of my book!

2. Make my campaign coffers great again. Okay, actually just for the first time. You can donate here. I promise to not use it to buy copies of my own book. If I'm lucky, I'll raise enough for one cup of coffee. Thank you, and God bless America.