Ending My Presidential CampaignNovember 08, 2016
It is with a not-so-heavy heart that I must announce that tonight my presidential campaign to sell more books will draw to a close. Barring a shock surge in support, I will concede. I hope to get more votes than Abraham's proposal found in Sodom, but I won't claim it's rigged if I don't.
In January, I announced I was running for president to sell books. And it worked. A few times. I trekked across the country during the campaign, making stops in Colorado, Georgia, Kansas, Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota, Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Virginia, and Washington, D.C. And like many presidential hopefuls, I traveled to other countries to prove my foreign policy credentials via tourism. I went to Canada, Cuba, Jordan, and the Turks & Caicos Islands.
More importantly, I did what many presidential candidates do and launched a book during the campaign (Vote Your Conscience: Party Must Not Trump Politics). I also gave a major campaign address, filmed a campaign ad, asked for campaign donations, and gave an important interview before the primaries in Iowa. I even made a ball cap, so I'm clearly legitimate!
Alas, I made a few mistakes. I didn't get a good friend to start a Super PAC. I didn't start the Kaylor Foundation. I didn't say mean, horrible things to spark media attention. I didn't delete my emails (well, actually I did). And I didn't marry a president.
Oh, well. You can still buy my books. And there's always 2020.